Letting Go

Wow.  It's been one of the hardest weeks of my life.  Although I think there are some other weeks that are right up there when I think about it.  But, I read a quote on another gal's post Here from Leonard Cohen
                            
"Everything is broken.  That's how the light gets in."  

Breaking is something that we see as a bad thing, but maybe it's not all bad.  I know that I act like I have it all together when I'm really just holding it together like everyone else.  Breaking brings reflection and humility.  The breaking has always made me realize not to say "That won't happen to me."  

I'm very transparent, though, so once someone assumed I wasn't looking at my heart because the person thought my transparency meant I was sharing my heart at the same time--the breaking and healing of my heart.  I wasn't.  That part I only trust to a few close friends who understand me. 

But, the relationship between what other people see of me, my transparency, and my heart has taught me something else that I always keep in mind.  Those few friends that I trust--they have tough parts of their lives too--that they've shared with me.  The sharing shows me that we all have messy lives.  And we all have tough parts of our lives that we don't show other people most of the time--usually those parts are the toughest parts of our lives!  

I made a stupid mistake yesterday.  I've been kicking myself ever since.  Really hard.  I haven't let it go.  But, is that what God wants for me?  I feel sorry for my mistake.  I know what I did wrong.  It was humbling.  Why have I been kicking myself so hard?  I think because of fear.  Fear of what my mistake will mean.  But, should I be afraid of that?  No.  Over and over in God's Word, I read that I should not be afraid.  

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 112:7-8

They will have no fear of bad news;
    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
8 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
    in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.

Who is my foe?  We know from God's Word that ultimately our foe is Satan.  My foe is my fear.  Satan has been feeding my fear.  It keeps me from the peace of trusting God.  

A dear friend emailed me today that she doesn't let go of her mistakes easily and that she has to ask God's forgiveness for that.  Her words made me think.  Would I want my kids to be so hard on themselves and not forgive themselves the way I am not doing?  No!  Do I need to ask God's forgiveness for not forgiving myself?  I think I do.  

My kids kept saying to me yesterday that God is in control.  It's easy to take that for granted when things are easy, but it's so much harder when things are tough and when we are stuck.  I believe it in my head, but I need to remember it in my heart, too.